


Restless

by hellhoundtheory



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Internal Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 15:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/888798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellhoundtheory/pseuds/hellhoundtheory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things aren't so simple back home. At least, not as simple as in Purgatory. Dean wanders, finding himself almost longing for the purity of Purgatory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restless

When night fell over Purgatory, you didn’t stay in one place. You walked and killed as many sons of bitches as you could because you knew that would keep you safe. Sleeping wasn’t an option. 

After Purgatory, Dean started wandering to ease the paranoia he felt during the night. He wasn’t used to a full night’s sleep, nor was he used to not having the comforting presence of Cas and Benny nearby at all hours. While once Sam could have filled that gap, should have filled that gap, he didn’t. Sam felt like a ghost, someone from his past, blurred and not so neatly remembered. Impure.

Purgatory, however, was startlingly pure, and Dean found himself missing the black-and-white of that place. He only had one goal there: find the angel. After that: bring the angel home. Now he felt purposeless, tainted by human inconsistency. He kept imagining that he could find a way to get Cas back, but that wasn’t in the cards right now. Dean tried to make Sam his big ol’ number one again, but the big brother act wasn’t cutting it. The hunter spent years and years pulling Sammy out of his messes, no matter how ugly, and Sam didn’t even try. The ache in the back of his throat tasted bitterly of betrayal, and Dean didn’t know how to deal with that. Not from his brother. So he swallowed it down. 

Another ache rose, tightening his chest. Regret. Regret that Dean couldn’t push down because it was an indication of the betrayal his angel must be feeling right now.

"If you can hear me man, I’m sorry." Dean knew Castiel couldn’t hear him, but that didn’t keep him from hoping. Angels, even fallen ones, weren’t supposed to be in Purgatory. Maybe he got out. 

He half expected Cas to be lurking behind him, and use his Batman low voice to scare the shit out of him. But Dean waited, and still heard nothing. No flap of wings, no gravel low voice riding the angel’s vocal chords. Nada. 

Dean returned to Rufus’ cabin disappointed, yet still half expecting Cas to be by his side. The angel was his constant, even more than Sam now, and Dean felt hollow with guilt knowing it was his fault.


End file.
